Girl: In a dream, I gave birth to three ants, and then I smashed them.
Boy: You have ants in your pants!
- McLennan Library

Girl: The only positive thing the prof said about my paper is that I had good references. I didn’t read them or anything, but I knew they were good.
- Burnside Elevator

Professor: I don’t even turn on the television anymore. It’s just violence. It’s all rape, and gore, and homosexual pedophiles in wheelchairs who chop up grandmothers.
- 19th Century Philosophy

Guy: Avada Kedavra is so romantic!
- McTavish

Girl: Stop calling women objects or tools! Women are NOT tools!
Guy: Of course they aren’t tools. Tools are useful.
- McGill Arena

Dude 1: I saw Rambo over the weekend.
Dude 2: Was it good?
Dude 1: It’s good if you like action movies. You should see it.
Dude 2, (trepidatiously): Yeah… I haven’t seen the first ones, though.
- cultural studies

Girl: I’m sorry, I don’t speak geek!-OH! Do you have Transformers?
- de Bullion

Guy: Oh My God that girl has a HUGE ass, but I love it.
- Astrobiology seminar

(upon leaving the RVC cafeteria)
Girl 1: I want to be a Mormon!
Girl 2: I DON’T.
- RVC cafeteria

(Ed Note: We think the submitter probably meant Mitt Romney, but it’s funnier this way.)

Girl 1: So why didn’t you sleep with him?
Girl 2: I only sleep with people if I’m facebook friends with them.
- Chez Jose

Prof: So today we’ll be discussing logical fallacies.
Girl: Excuse me Professor, but does fallacy have anything to do with fellatio or fellatious? I mean they’re similar, do they have the same origin or something?
[Prof and class stifle laughter]
- Research Essay and Rhetoric Class, Sherbrooke 688

Guy 1: Well, she’s a senator.
Guy 2: She’s a woman, yeah…but she’s not stupid.
- Schulich 5th

Guy: Yeah, it’s like he’s fluent in science, he’s so good at it!
Girl: Science? that’s a good thing to be fluent at. I’m not even that well in ENGLISH.
- thankfully not an english class…

Science carnival girl: Well I got two cankers this morning… so fuck you Mark Brown*!
- Post-boat races during Science Carnival

Girl: …and I said, ‘Get the fucking penis off my sister’s fucking birthday cake!’
- Leacock

[Two New Rez girls discussing the mysteries of the body over pizza and sprite]
Girl 1: Oh my gawd, I need to stop eating like tomorrow. I have already gained 27 and a half pounds since September…I’m so gross…*stares at pizza in sadness and desire*
Girls 2: You TOTALLY have NOT. And either way, aren’t you on the pill now? It’s probably just water weight.
Girl 1: Yeah…that’s true, I’ve definitely been drinking A LOT more water lately, it must make you thirsty.
Girl 2: What? *bewildered look on face*
Girl 1: *bites into pizza with accomplished look on face*
- New Rez Cafeteria

Girl: I want a baby for Christmas.
- Geo Lounge

Prof: Now, I don’t want to generalize about people with Down’s Syndrome. Some people with Down’s have actually managed to complete university.
(Pause)
Probably Concordia.
- Psych 337

Guy across the hall screaming in pain at his roomates: “Augh fuck! That stove is HOT in case ANYONE wanted to KNOW. Okay? THAT’S what im here for”
- Solin

Girl: I’m trying to stop drinking so much, so I’m going to need to start smoking more weed.
- Chez Cora’s

Dude on the phone: Yeah man, hell yeah, I brought back Guiness. […] You know the Land Before Time? Ireland’s like that.
- Milton and Aylmer

Rich blonde whore: Even when you’re so happy ’cause you just slept with someone, you still go and screw them over and fuck someone else.
Rich brunette whore: Yeah, some people are like that.
- Outside Leacock 132, before Natural Disasters

Girl: Oh God, I thought that girl had a speech impediment, but she’s actually just speaking French…
- Milton Gates

Asian girl: I hate being Asian!
- Modern East Asian History

Prof: That’s what you would see if you stood in the shoes of a bee…..that wore shoes.
(later)
Prof: “Animals are completely unable to plan for their retirement. ….which is probably why they don’t retire.”
(later)
Prof: “Neurons are like toasters.”
–PSYC 211

Prof: Don’t ask sentences to perform multiple tasks. Multi-tasking is for women only.
–EAPR 250

Professor: So… today is Valentine’s Day…
Guy 1: Woo!
Guy 2: BOOOO!!
Professor: Loser!
- Abnormal Psychology

Guy: Man, it’s her birthday too? It seems like everyone’s having a birthday this year.
- Library

Girl 1: Yeah, Bill Clinton has this disease that makes him constantly erect. Like, he has to take medication to make it stop. Some other big, famous black guy has it actually, but I forget who it is. I think he was an NBA player…
Guy 1: Shaquille O’Neal? I can definitely see him having that.
[silence]
Girl 1: Oh no, I’ve got it! It was Malcolm X.
- Milton Gates