Prof: It’s really not that big a deal if you poop on your head.
—BIO 111

(two guys are discussing how Guy 1’s girlfriend bought him a gift)
Guy 1: Sure it’s a nice gift. I pretty much got her the exact same thing though.
Guy 2: Reciprocating gifts just doesn’t work. I mean, my mom wouldn’t go off and buy me a bra.
—McGill ghetto

(a girl from Arts decides to attend her boyfriend’s engineering class)
Girl: “Oh my God this is so weird.”
Guy: “What?”
Girl: “Why didn’t anybody bring their laptops?”
Guy: “Uhh.. it’s easier to write stuff down…”
Girl: “No I mean it’s so weird to be in a class where nobody is checking Facebook!”

—Macdonald Eng building

Guy 1: Well, girls seem to know whether they are pretty or not. They are very self-conscious about it.
Guy 2: Man, how do you know?
Guy 1: It’s like, when you go clubbing, you don’t see any ugly girls because they know that they are ugly. And they don’t associate with pretty ones.

—on Milton

Girl (in showy clothing) on phone: I was out a date with this guy last night. He leaned in to kiss me and I totally dodged it. I mean, I’m 19 now, so I guess it would be ok….but I still want a priest to pre-approve it.
—FDA Lobby

Nerd: (talking about the bioc311 midterm) well if i were an Allosteric Activator i would chose to be AMP, so i could up-regulate the whole glycolysis system and give myself a boost of energy so i could study more.
Girl: im going to upregulate my foot up your ass if you dont stop making those kind of comments… dude, you need to get out more.
- McMed Librairy

Male Party Promoter: It’s gonna be crazy!! Don’t you want to get laid?!?!
Male Skeptic: Not by you!
- Clubs and Activities Fair on MacTavish

Girl: I want a baby for Christmas.
- Geo Lounge

Prof: Now, I don’t want to generalize about people with Down’s Syndrome. Some people with Down’s have actually managed to complete university.
(Pause)
Probably Concordia.
- Psych 337

Prof: Class is dismissed.
Student: I have an urgent question. Who *really* killed Jesus? I know it wasn’t the Romans.
Prof: No, it was the Romans.
- RELG 210

(Two girls looking at facebook pictures)
Girl 1: “I feel so bad for people that are just so unattractive…That’s a really mean thing to say. Slap me!
Girl 2: Well it’s not that mean, at least you’re showing some sympathy…
- McLennan Library

Polisci nerd: I’m not a fucking socialist!
- Redpath Library

Girl 1 (to Girl #2): Why do you keep chugging your milk?
Girl 2: I read somewhere that if you drink lots of milk, your breasts get bigger!
Girl 3: Where the hell did you read that?
Girl 2: On a Japanese website…
- RVC Cafeteria

[upon attempting to clarify the negative and derogatory connotations surrounding the F-word]
Prof: If someone on the street does something that offends you, you say “Fuck You!” I highly doubt, however, that you actually mean “I hope you have a happy sexual time this afternoon.”
- Intro to Feminist Theory

Sober guy: Where IS he?? Is he yacking?
Drunk 1st year: I’ll check the washroom
(kicks open door)
Sober guy: And….
Drunk 1st year: well… replace yacking with shitting, and toilet with bathtub
- New Rez

Guy across the hall screaming in pain at his roomates: “Augh fuck! That stove is HOT in case ANYONE wanted to KNOW. Okay? THAT’S what im here for”
- Solin

Ditzy girl: Oh my god, this is just too easy. I get it, Africa is poor. Can’t we all just get over it?
- Lower Campus

Girl: I’m trying to stop drinking so much, so I’m going to need to start smoking more weed.
- Chez Cora’s

Guy 1: All right… but you can’t copy it. I’ll help you instead.
Girl 1 (batting eyelashes): We won’t copy it, we’re not stupid.
Girl 2: Well, we are stupid, we’re just not that stupid.
—Trottier

Nerd: Your friendship is like the limit of 1/x as x approaches 0.
- Macdonald Campus

(Dude 1 recites the “Mcgill once, Mcgill twice” cheer in its entirety)
Dude 2: That is honestly the best piece of poetry known to mankind.
Dude 3: Yeah, Plato don’t got shit on this guy.
Dude 1: Yeah man, and Shakespeare can just retire.
- Men’s Memorial Pool Locker Room @ the McGill Gym

Prissy girl: Oh my goddddd my back hurts sooooo much… my bag is sooooooooooo heavy…
Random Stoner guy: Oh ya? Well I’m carrying around a 10-pound cock, what the fuck do you got?
- Outside Arts

Prof: They thought it would be like any other war… you march in, burn some fields, rape some livestock, steal some women, and go back home.
- HIST 205, Ancient  Mediterranean History

Girl: When I was younger, I thought penises were remnants of tails.
Friends: *shocked silence*
Girl: So, you know, I thought that girls must be more highly evolved than guys because girls don’t have those little tails.
- Sherbrooke

Girl 1: Oooh my God, I was reading Overheard, and something I said was on it! It made me sound like SUCH a slut.
Girl 2: Well… I mean, you are sometimes…
Girl 1: Yeah, but the INTERNET doesn’t need to know it!
- Leacock

Guy 1: I heard about this guy whose girlfriend got date raped while he was with her. He was so pissed.
Guy 2: But it’s like, such a compliment if your girlfriend gets date raped, ’cause then you know she’s hot.
- New Rez

Prof: It’s not a question of actual babies, it’s a question of HYPOTHETICAL babies.
- Stewart Bio