Guy: Last year I had the Prince of Yemen in one of my Psych classes and he was absolutely beautiful.
Girl: Did you want to marry him and do dirty things to him?
Guy: No, it was more like put-him-on-a-pedestal-and-look-at-him-all-day kinda beautiful.

-The Atrium

Girl 1: Did you know there’s an underground tunnel connecting Leacock and Redpath?
Girl 2: Really?! I wish there was a tunnel connecting Leacock and Stewart Bio… I mean, it wouldn’t be that hard to do, would it?

-Corner of Peel and Dr. Penfield

Girl 1: Can you guys believe that John dated me before I even blossomed?! (sincere puzzled look)

Girl 2: No, oh my God… you’re so lucky (looks with envy)

-BMH caf line

Guy 1: Man that was sooo gay.
Guy 2: Ya man, that was so gay that I need to go home to watch porn to reaffirm my heterosexuality.
- Sherbrooke and University

Guy 1: I heard that Carrottop is really buff now, like really huge.
Guy 2: He should start giving out random bear hugs.
Girl: Wouldn’t it be funny if movie stars just started grabbing people and yelling out the names of movies they’ve been in?
Guy 1: (Screaming and hugging himself) ‘’CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD! CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD!'’

-BMH Caf

(Guy taking a shit, yelling to friend outside bathroom)

Guy: Man, I can’t wait to take a shit in a bathroom I can actually fit in.
-Rue Ste-Famille

Guy (in a somewhat condescending manner): you know your shoes match your shirt
Girl: yeah, that’s kind of the point.
Guy: Oh.
- BDP

Girl: (talking to her friend on the phone) He didn’t take advantage of me enough!

-Outside SSMU

(The Professor is about to show the class a video demonstrating the effect of adding mentos to soda. A young kid is shown and is about to add mentos to cola)

Professor: While this wasn’t the most impressive mentos geyser that I saw, I did like how the kid almost got hit in the face.

-Chem 120, Leacock

(Its 5 in the morning and two guys have obviously been overworking for at least 10 hours)

Guy 1: How did you study for the calculus final?
Guy 2: Well, my friend took the course and he failed it
Guy 1: What are you talking about… what does your friend have to do with it
Guy 2: I said I took it. Who are you talking about, which friend?
Guy 1: You said that your friend took the course and failed it.
Guy 2: I never said that.

-Burnside at 5 am

Girl 1 (very pale): Ya you know, I just moved to Montreal, I’m from Bermuda.
Girl 2 (confused): but why aren’t you black?
- Roddick Gates

Girl: Oh my god, I can’t believe how much gum you chew! Is that actually six packs of Orbit in your bag?
Guy: You see, gum for me is like…(pauses to think)…marijuana for you.
Girl: Ohhhhhh

-McLennon Library late at night

(McGill student to her groups of obviously-out-of-town friends)
Girl:…and there’s another contemporary art museum we could check out
Friend: (in snobby voice) yeah, I’m not really down with museums

-tunnel from redpath to arts building

Professor: You’d have to rely on all the books published in Mississippi, which rounded down is zero
- Class

Drunk Girl: Well, I thought she could have gotten WAY more steaks for that blowjob but nooooo. She had to go up the hill to see some kids and fuck if I was giving her my last cigarette.

- Sherbrooke and St-Urbain

Prof: Saddam was so powerful, he was like…God!…Wait…I don’t mean to compare Saddam to God, because you know, God is merciful.”
- Burnside

Guy: I walked in and they were having sex. But I just stood there making gross noises. Hopefully I can just drink this one off.
- Douglas Hall

Guy 1: Man I really want to learn how to ride horses
Guy 2: Oh ya you should talk to Sarah. She jumps horses and stuff.
Guy 1: With what?
Guy 2: What do you mean, ‘with what’?
Guy 1: I mean with like motorcycles or cars or what?
Guy 2: What the fuck?
Guy 1: Man, like how does she clear the horses? Does she jump over them with a motorcycle or what?
- Douglas Hall

ditzy girl: …and then she said that she had a component face!
guy: what??
ditzy girl: You know, like, in science and stuff.
guy: huh?
ditzy girl (getting annoyed): You knowwww…there’s like, little things that swirl around together and make Adam.
guy: You mean Atoms?
ditzy girl: No stupid!! The Garden of Eden.
guy: The Garden of Eden is on your face???
ditzy girl (getting really annoyed): NO idiot! That’s ridiculous. (pauses) It was on HER face.
guy (really confused): What’s your major again?
ditzy girl: Some science thing. I can’t remember
guy: I thought you were taking History?
ditzy girl: Duh!! You are so stupid sometimes. History IS science
guy: (silent)
ditzy girl: I don’t even know why I even bother with you sometimes. How did you get into McGill???
- Outside the McGill bookstore

Guy: Dude, if he was Jesus, he would totally get up and open the door.
- Burnside Basement

Girl: What if you were on a deserted island alone with only an ugly girl? Would you sleep with her then?
Superficial Guy: Maybe. But I’d cover her face with leaf before I did it. Actually, make that two leaves…in case the first one falls off.
Girl: OMG. What about a fat girl? Would you do a fat girl?
Superficial Guy: We’re on a deserted island right? Nothing to do? I’d make her run around a couple times, then I’d maybe think about it…
- Tim Horton’s on University

Toronto Girl on Phone: This bum asked for me, like, change, but I knew it was like a scam, because he didn’t even look like a bum. He was big and black…he looked kinda like a gangster!”

—Arts Steps

Discussing the play, “The Wild Duck” by Henrik Ibsen.
Guy: So, how are they scaling grades in this class, anyway?
Girl: Well, everyone kinds starts out with a B- and then they see what your essay is like. If you’re the one who wrote on your test ‘Gregors is a raccoon’ then you’re towards the bottom and everyone who didn’t say ‘Gregors is a raccoon’ does better than you.
Boy: Man, I gotta read this book.
- ENGL 314

Gay Guy: You have such a man crush on him!
Straight Guy: No I don’t. (pause) Have you ever noticed how he always wears a solid-colored polo, with a solid-colored undershirt, and either jeans or khaki pants?! We call it “Charlie wear!”
Gay Guy: umm…man crush?!
- RVC lunch

Prof plays “Brain Damage”
Prof: ok how many of you recognize this song?
Some people raise their hands
Prof: Well what about the rest of you? Didn’t you ever smoke pot?!
- Cognition

Girl: It’s not so much that I want to date short guys, I just really like having sex with them. Is that weird?
- Bleury

Girl 1: SO how do you kill a rat?
Indian Girl: Well, my maid beats it to death with a broom…
Girl #1: (confused)
Indian Girl: My maid is like hardcore she can beat anything to death…

- RVC

Girl talking to her friends
Girl: I ate cat food last night. I probably shouldn’t have said that.
- Prince Aurthur