Girl: My friend from the seminary is pregnant! With a baby! In her tummy!

—RVC

“Wait, when you die, don’t your genitals keep on growing?”

—Burnside

Girl 1 and Girl 2 stop to fawn over miniature dog that another girl has
Girl 1: omg he is soo adorable. helloo, helloo there little guy. aww. so cute
Girl 1 and Girl 2 walk away from girl with dog
Girl 2: oh he was so cute, i wish i could have one
Girl 1: i wish i could have stepped on the little thing and squished its little head

—Milton Gates

Girl: Yeah well at least with slavery they give you housing and food. But with unpaid internships, they don’t pay for anything!

—Geo Lounge, Burnside

(Guy and girl are walking up steps)

Guy: But seriously, aren’t you afraid that when you give birth you’re going to shit yourself?

—Molson

Guy: Mondays are way more fun when you’re high all day.

—New Rez

Girl (on phone): She did what?! With whom? And she hasn’t been to confession in HOW LONG!? Oh my god, she is SO on the express route to hell!

—Lorne

Guy: (to girl) “So i was leaning over and he was just pounding away.”
Another guy walks up: “So dude, you’re gay? I mean it sounds like anal is your thing.”
Girl: “You’re sick! He was leaning over the railing handing his brother a nail while his brother hammered a board in place!”

—Shatner

Student (confused by geometric shape): So, why is it called an astroid?
Prof: Because it’s spaced out!

—MATH 151

Girl who obsesses with the meaningless: Who do you think would win between a pig and a bat? I think a bat would win!

—Second Cup on McGill College

[Concordia guy bitching about engineering]
Concordia Guy: It’s brutal, I have to take, like, thermodynamics!
McGill Girl: You want brutal? Brutal is McGill physiology. But seriously, isn’t thermodynamics like exothermic and endothermic and stuff??
Concordia Guy: Well…yeah….but it’s harder than it sounds!!
McGill Girl: What, like exo is negative and endo is positive??
Concordia Guy: (pause) That’s fuckin hard to remember okay?!

—Tim Hortons

(Walking by clubs offices)
Guy 1: (Gives the finger to a closed office door) “Yeah fuck you.”
Guy 2: (reads sign on door) “Uh…that wasn’t cool, what was that for?”
Guy 1: “Just jealous of people with offices and we don’t.”
Guy 2: “Oh ok…cause I thought you had something against the National Society of Black Engineers.”

—Shatner, Fourth Floor

[during a rousing game of “Never Have I Ever”]
Girlfriend (to boyfriend): Oh right, you did cheat on me. I forgot.

—Sugar Shack Trip

Girl: “i wonder if they make disney porn. I mean come on, Belle and the Beast, that’d be hot, who wouldn’t want to watch that? I bet you can find it on the net, the internet that is. We should so go look it up now.”

—RVC

Girl 1 (counting second girl’s piercings): 1, 2, 3, 4, and…5!
Girl 2: Nope! Nine! … Find the other 6 (winks)
Girl 1: You mean…the other 4?

—Biol 112, Leacock 132

Girl 1: What kind of smoothie was that?
Girl 2: Banana and blueberry
Girl 1: [in all seriousness] And those blue things are…banana seeds?

—Ste-Famille

Guy, to girl: Oakville’s really fashionable these days. It’s like the landmine of Ontario.
Girl: What?
Guy: Not that. You know what I mean…
[seconds pass]
Guy: Goldmine. The goldmine.

—rue Union, across the street from Metro

Girl 1: I have a d-cup!
Girl 2: I have a d-cup too!
Girl 3: Me too!
Girl 1: Yay! D-club!!!

—RVC

Nerd 1: Man, I think Superman wore a kryptonite condom…
Nerd 2: Dude, that would hurt.
Nerd 1: Yeah, man!

—BMH Cafeteria

(Prof is talking about factorials)
Management Boy: n minus n equals four!

-MATH 123, Linear Algebra and Probability

(Talking about some documentary she’s seen in class.)
Ignorant Girl: Yeah, it’s set in Panovo.
Clearly Better Informed Friend: (confused) What? Where?
Ignorant Girl: In Panovo. (louder) PANOVO. (spells slowly) P-A-N-O-V-O.
Clearly Better Informed Friend: I really don’t know what you’re referring to.
Ignorant Girl: You must know about it, you just don’t remember. It’s one of the Spanish speaking countries.
—RVC Cafeteria

Rich Girl: “Yeah, that was my pickup line over the summer: ‘So, wanna walk me down to my boat?’”
Girl: “haha nice… what’s your pickup line now?”
Rich Girl: “Um….’So, wanna bone?’”

—Molson

Guy 1: So what are you in?
Girl: Physiology but I’m taking physics and anatomy.
Guy 2: Shit! So you get to go to the morgue and stuff?
Girl: Yea! I love it!
Guy 1: Do you have to touch their privates?!?
—Roddick Gates

Girl (on cellphone): My life totally sucks right now. I went to an intellectual conference and people were saying smart things and I was asking myself ‘Why can’t I say things like that?’ And I’ve forgotten all essay-writing skills I learned in high school. Ugh, I am like totally ESL right now. Like, what am I doing with my life? I’m not getting into law school, I’m not going to get a position at the UN…. UGH!! I might as well get married to a rich Arabian prince!
- Elevator, apt. on du Parc

(Ethnic Guy starts crossing the street despite red light)
Ethnic Girl: ARE YOU CRAZY! WE CAN’T WALK INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC!
Ethnic Guy: Please! We’re ethnic. We can’t get hit jaywalking.

—University

Guy: I kind of want to get my eyebrow pierced…
Girl: Don’t do that!!! It’s permanent…on your face!

—Leacock 132

(Rich girl from nyc realizing she’s rich)

Rich Girl from NYC: But like I know a lot of poor people, Im just not friends with them.

Stupid Girl 1: Ew all the beer and food this weekend, I swear I gained 10 lbs.
Stupid Girl 2: I know, I think I’ll fast tomorrow.

—New Rez Cafe

Girl 1:And my boyfriend told me what a bad person I was, and I was like, ‘don’t say that to me, you’re hurting my feelings.’ Then I did drugs and cried all day
Girl 2: Wow, well we should really study today
Girl 1: Yeah, lets stay really late, like till 10.
Girl 2: (totally serious) Yeah, or we can go to the biosphere and get burgers
Girl 1: (totally serious) Yeah

—Leacock elevator